Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Boys and Books

Relationships in high school?
Just saying. You can be happy for like, ten seconds. Even REALLY happy for about ten seconds. And then there is crushing, awful, horrid pain. Then they are done and over. At least, my opinion right now. (And can annnnyone say 'jaded?')
There is a silver lining, and it is only, only because of books. I'm not joking. Books, authors, and friends are way better than chocolate.

(Even though that would be good too.)
Every book I have ever read has been my teacher this past week. They have taught me everything to do, everything to say, and that every feeling -- every god awful, heart wrenching feeling -- is okay. Is normal. And best of all?
It'll be over. This hole in my chest will get better. The way my stomach wants to twist into circles when I see him will eventually settle. The weird mix of fury, humiliation, and sadness will fade. School won't be a battle, but something I actually enjoy; this upcoming debate tournament won't be dreaded for any reason other than the fact I am too lazy to do proper research about banking and such. I won't wake up at 3 in the morning with these awful, awful dreams and then realize -- oh wait, dude, that happened. (Well, now at least I know I can write about this truly.)
I mentioned humiliation. Well. Books. Books, books, books -- they tell me it happens, they tell me that it happens and you can survive. That the humiliation will fade. The sadness will die. The fury -- well, I hope it goes away, because part of me still really wants to stay friends with the dude.
And someday? I won't care anymore. That is the most hopeful right now. I won't care someday. (I swear to god, if it isn't soon, I am moving to London this summer.)
It's funny. Even my English teacher came up to talk to me about it -- not that she knows what boy, because I don't particularly feel the need to do that to him -- and was kind of amazing. It's proof. English people are way cool -- it's just the way it is. (Of course, she came up because I walked into the room and, literally, like some bad, bad teen flick, everyone turned to stare, and five people flooded to talk to me, so that wasn't quite as cool.)
But. Books have an answer for that too. It also goes away. Soon it will just be a grimy rumor on the circuit. And it gives me hope, because I am assuming that authors write books off their experiences. (I am so putting this in a book someday. Ahem. Is that evil? I won't mention names...) Anyway. That means that real people, awesome, amazing people, have felt this awful feeling, and they survived.
So. I'm going to survive it too.
My friends have been amazing. Books told me that, too, but I wasn't sure that I believed it. Immediately, there was a battalion of them ready. (Granted. Their way of armor? They told people. At least, I'm assuming that's how everyone seems to know. Not so great there, but hey, I've had like, seven people I've barely talked to come and tell me how sorry they are. I'm feeling kind of really bad for the guy involved, actually.) My friends, though, have really, really been there. My mom and sister too, and my sister's best friend even drove over here the night it happened because sis was at college. (My dad is just kind of like, wait, what? What?! Baha. Good to know the books got that right too.)
I don't know that I would have survived this so ... so whole .... without books. It still sucks. God, does it suck. But even if I can't bear to open one with a relationship up right now, I know that they are there. And there are ones with plenty of bombs and crap to tide me over until a week or two weeks pass, and I'm feeling more optimistic about relationships.
And best of all?
Someday, according to every book I have loved most? According to every book that right now, I'm too scared to open?
There will be at least some element of a happy ending.
And this time, the guy won't act like such an asshole.


Colene Murphy said...

Awe. You're right about books being good for all those things(it's nice to just escape for a while in them anyway) And it's pretty damn true, honestly. Things pass. Sucks now but the joy of high school(there are...so few...;)is that it's only 4 years of your life! (3 now, right? or 2..?) and after that, so much better. I wanted to punch people in the mouth that say "high school are the best years of your life "blah blah blah. Lies! Boys are immature, petty, and self absorbed, and girls are just...insane sometimes. But you seem to know all that already and have a nice attitude. So yeay! And you're right, not too long down the road you wont mind so much, then it wont matter, then before you know it, you'll be struggling to remember that guys last name even.

Cipherqueen said...

See, every time I come to the end of one of these posts I'm lost for words. Simply 'cuz I've never been there. But yes, it'll work out, or so says all my buddies who give advice to each other about relationships... books make everything better, and the world is wide. :) There's a happy ending out there, and you'll find it. ;)

Cipherqueen said...

Oh, and Mwahaha, your comment form just reminded me that we are both 16 now. :)

Happy December!

Maggie said...

So yeah, I'm still really ticked off about said Boy (she says, roaring and stomping about the school). But I love you, and you'll get through it. Promise! <3

(Also, I would like to add that as a friend, I did not mutter a word about such things to anyone, especially seeing as I didn't even know what happened at first (STUPID CELL PHONE). I'm just sayin'.)

Also also, books FTW!

Aspen said...

This is probably the most optimistic emo-heartbroken-pissed-over-a-guy post I have read. Hell, I couldn't even imagine someone being so f*cking positive when it comes to that little "my guts are being twisted into knots" feeling!

And yes it is true, all the feelings books describe, are true, and everyone feels them! At some point in life, you must be hurt. I did a blog post on this a while back, saying that even if it's only for the sake of being able to write about it, you should get your heartbroken at least once. I have been in my relationship for five wonderful years, but believe me I made a few mistakes before that. I had almost forgotten what those feelings were like until I leafed through one of my old notebooks that are full of emo scribbles, and read how I described those feelings. It was such an inspiration and gave me a couple of extra scenes for my book!

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is:

*HUGS* you're awesome!

p.s. this the same dude you told me about the other day?

Sam said...

Colene: I have a year left -- well, year and a half. -grins- I like high school most of the time, but I don't want this to be the best time of my life. -shrugs-
Girls really are insane sometimes... Sigh. It's already fading after a few days. So hopefully, it will get gone in a couple of weeks. ^_^

Cipherqueen: Relationships not good, not now. Too young. Baha. I like books much more--and yes, I want that happy ending, dangit.
-dies a little-
-sends email-

Maggie: I...am no longer mad. Just sad. And 'bitter.' But so what, I'm allowed to be. (And I don't know why he thinks it would be okay after only a couple of days...)
(And I know you didn't tell anyone. Actually, I don't know how it got spread so fast, but somehow, EVERYONE knows...)

Aspen: -chokes- -laughs-
Yeah, you are totally right. That kind of is true about this post. -ponders- It was written at three in the morning, so...yeah. Lol. I was not THAT positive, actually, but I am getting there.
-grins- I wrote out like, six pages of emo scribbles, trying to figure everything out. Maybe they'll be valuable someday, lol.
(And yup. Same boy. -sighs-)

Abby Minard said...

You are right- and the books are right. It'll get better. And yes, high school is definitely not the best time of your life- but is one of the most profound times and everything that happens is very important.

You know what's funny? My good friend texted me tonight and said my ex from high school (as in, I dated him 12 years ago...) came into her restaurant today. I laughted and said, did you say hi? And that was it. He's a doctor who probably works too much and parties too hard ;p You'll get that little pang of "dude, what if it all turned out different and I stayed with this guy?" And then it'll be over because it was so long ago, and he really was a jerk and all that. But it still meant something (he was my first love- I know, cheesy but true) and I won't ever deny that.

Anyway, so you'll always have the memories and it'll be kinda cool to look back 10, 12 years later at the pictures and little notes and stuff like that. And then you turn to your husband (significant other/best friend/kid/mom) and laugh about it. Or at least smile...