Saturday, August 7, 2010

Things I Know

Summer is coming to a close, though you wouldn't know it by the hideous weather. School is around the corner. And with that happening, I have decided to chronicle critical lessens I have learned in the past few months. More specifically, critical lessens I have learned THIS FREAKING WEEK.

Number One: Do Not Sleep Outside

I know. I know, it sounds like a bad idea right off the bat. But it's hot inside, and people are telling you to be quiet, so you and your friends decide, WELL, WE ARE AWESOME AND YOU ARE NOT AND SO WE ARE GOING TO SLEEP OUTSIDE.
And then, to quote Tamora Pierce 'The bugs realize they don't have to go to the inn to feast.'
27 bug bites later (Yeah, I counted) I look pretty much like a diseased freak. And not the kind of disease that I can be like, well, you know, it's bad, but at least I'm cool and am going to turn all sparkly and possibly have to drink some blood.
So, my pretties, if you would like to stay pretty and shiny and oh-so-fabulous, ignore your friends. Stand up to peer pressure.
Just sleep on the dang couch.

Lessen Two: Never Underestimate the Power Of A Car Wash

Or, even better. Just don't wash your car. Come on. Who says we should have to keep our car's clean? Just society, and society is dumb. 
See, you spend five bucks to wash your car, because you are thrifty and do not NEED such frivolity as the 8 dollar wash. You're all happy and shiny and all YAY MY CAR IS GOING TO BE PRETTY. And then you drive in. The thingy beeps at you to stop. You stop and grin because YAY MY CAR IS GOING TO BE SHINY. 
And so the car wash starts. It dumps buckets of soap all over you.
And then . . . it stops.
The car wash beeps cheerfully. You sit in the car, staring through the suds, and wait for it to start with the water.
Car wash beep again. It doesn't sound so cheerful. Scared that car wash is going to eat you and your car, you drive through again, your car dripping with foam.
And you spend another five dollars because, well, your car is dripping with foam and there's no one around to complain to.
And then, AND THEN, guess what?
It will rain the next day.
So, basically, if you are like me and seem to have pissed off the car wash gods, do not ever use one. 
Number Three: Eat chocolate. And drink coffee. 

You might think having both is excessive. Perhaps even gluttounous. Don't worry, there is a plan.
It will get you through the car wash. It will get you through the hard times. It will be your friend. And most importantly, if you ever meet the Car Wash Gods, you can throw the coffee in their face.
Then, because you are clever, you can still munch on the chocolate. 

Aren't I smart?
Come on. It's okay. I like applause. Don't hold it back.
You know what, it's okay. Don't applaud. It would just embarrass me anyway. 


Maggie said...

Heh. You are itchy with bug bites. Because you slept outside. That was such a bad idea, I don't even know what to say. :O *shudders at thought of sleeping in HEAT and BUGS*

Other than that, I feel bad about the carwash ordeal. It made up late to meet Sarah and I. And that is quite sad indeed.

Finally, CHOCOLATE! And coffee. But I only like certain coffees. I like all chocolates.

Basically, this comment is really lame. Yeah.

Girlinbetween said...


lol, great post

Cipherqueen said...

I'm with girlinbetween. ;D
Car washes are scary places... and who needs 'em? Well, unless you're meeting someone important.

Sleeping outside: ... *crickets chirp* I run off as trees start crashing down on me...

Sam said...

Maggie: It isn't my fault! IT ISN'T. I was born in California. The only thing that attacked when you sleep outside there is the sun. And maybe a gangster. And it wasn't that hot! And S and J MADE ME.
The carwash was evil. And I like coffee with cream.
And mine was lame too. So it's all good.

Girlinbetween: No. Never. Ever. Let's all get some!

Cipherqueen: I was meeting Maggie and Sarah (Green Bean Teen Queen) so while they are important, I really didn't need to clean my car. I just wanted to.
-sigh- I don't like the outside.